Echos of the Catskills

These are pretty funny...

You may remember ( if you are old enough) the old Jewish Catskill
comics of Vaudeville days, viz., Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie
Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, Belle Barth and others? Don't you miss their humor? Not one single swear word in their comedy .

There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door
all night! I finally had to let her out.

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you
comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to
the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife
ever finds out, she'll kill me!

What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making
love? "Honey, I'm home!"

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding
night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the
estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the
mud fell off.

I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still
confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel
hungry.

The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his
bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came
back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See!
What did I tell you?"

A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks,
"Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor answers, "That's what puzzles me!"

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been
brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday." The Jewish
fellow responded, "When's payday?" The bum said, "I don't know!
You' re the one that's working!"

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of
work he's out of.

Live well, Laugh often, & Love with all of your heart!

1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women
like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact
that Won Ton spelled backward is "Not Now".

2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life
begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it
graduates from medical school.

3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror
movie?
A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."

5 Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdales.

7. A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?" "Not too
good, " said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why
are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered. "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with
food if you should call."

8. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has
a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it? The boy says, "I play
the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back
and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

9. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner

10. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want
to be a nuisance to anybody."

11. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us,
we won, let's eat.

12. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on
the street and said "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force
yourself," she replied.

13. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish
mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Last one.
A Jewish girl comes home and tells her mother she's met the perfect man.
Momma says, "Well bring him home so we can meet him".
The daughter says "Momma, I'd be ashamed he'd see the writing on the bathroom wall".
Momma: "OK, I'll clean the writing off of the bathroom wall......
But, "Screw Eikman" stays!